LYRICS​

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THE OVAL OFFICE. MARCH 30, 1968

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RFK enters the oval office​

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LBJ

Hello, Bobby. 

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RFK

Mr. President

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LBJ

You had a nice crowd at your rally today. Congratulations. 

People are pretty excited about RFK running for president. 

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RFK

Thank you, sir

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LBJ

Well, may the best man win, I suppose. 

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RFK

Of course, sir. 

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LBJ
Uh...things getting any better with that son of yours?

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RFK

RFK Jr?  The kid's 14 and he still won't take his shots.  Ethel's worried he's gonna catch polio.

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LBJ

Alright, well keep him out of the oval office

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RFK

Of course, sir. 

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LBJ

And Bobby...I AM the best man. 

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RFK

We'll see, sir

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LBJ

Goodbye, Bobby

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LBJ

Greta, turn on the news!

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WALTER CRONKITE (TV) Senator Robert Kennedy spoke before an adoring crowd of 13,000 today, following his recent announcement that he will enter the Democratic primary for president.  Meanwhile, Eugene McCarthy scored an upset in New Hampshire, taking home 48 delegates to President Johnson’s 42.

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LBJ Goddammit!

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Why is Bobby Kennedy

Always ahead of me?

He gets loving crowds

I get obscenities

Hurled from across the White House gates

I got to make a change...

(contemplatively)

Or should I wait?

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Martin Luther King won't return my calls

And Ho Chi Minh - he's got me by the balls

Eugene McCarthy's got more delegates

In New Hampshire. What the hell it's

All a freaking mess

I'm losing now I guess

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They called me "Landslide Lyndon"

I'm thick-skinned and

I only know victory

But now it seems I got my hands tied

And the landslide

Is gonna land on me.

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WALTER CRONKITE (TV)

Meanwhile, protesters continue to throng the White House.

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LBJ throws his scotch glass at the TV

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LBJ

Shut up!

Bird I can’t take it.

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Bird: Now, dear...

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LBJ:

Zephyr get me a Fresca will you?

And Moyers- keep taking notes for me, I’m heading into the uh “accessory Oval Office”

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LBJ opens a door in the wall o the office and enters the bathroom.

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Moyers: Of course sir- uh you’re bringing in the Fresca?

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LBJ: (peaks back out with only his head showing)

Yeah, what’s wrong with that (tucks back into the bathroom so we don't see him now) Heaven to god!

Moyers, I told you - a mans ass is like a temple!

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Moyers: We're talking about your ass sir?

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LBJ: No!! Yes. Maybe. (Peaks back out again holding a roll of toilet paper, now with his pants half down) The point is - this Scott tissue is not gonna work. I told you I need two ply! And...(dials) Yea, get me general Moreland! (back to Moyers) Throw that sandpaper out the window (gives roll to Moyers)

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Moyers:

Yes sir.

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Moyers looks at the roll and with a shrug throws it out the oval office window

He then looks around for Charmin. 

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Moyers:

We appear to be out of Charmin, sir. 

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LBJ

All right I'll take the Scott tissue back (turning back to the phone) I don't care if it's 3AM in Japan, wake the General up!

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Moyers: The Scott tissue is in the rose garden sir, with the uh…squirrels

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LBJ: Oh...this is bad.

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Lady bird, looking straight ahead at the audience with a bit of a grimace, picks up a small American flag from the Resolute desk and passes it to Moyers.

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Moyers:

The First Lady has found a solution.

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Moyers passes the lag to Johnson, trying not to peak into the bathroom

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Sorry sir-

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LBJ: It’s fine - that flag belonged to Herbert Hoover. This is perfect.

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LBJ emerges from the bathroom holding the phone in one hand (wire extending from behind the door) and a Fresca in the other his pants about half way up.

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LBJ

(Into the phone) Finally! Westmoreland- I got your two plans and the both stink!

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These two folders on my desk

Like two boulders on my chest

One of them a plan from McNamara

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LBJ holds up the red folder

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Designed to kill, to really scare the

Shit out of every commie in Nam

Operation "Red Carpet Bomb"

Every tunnel, every tree, every town -

We kind of just burn the whole place down

We'll leave a freaking mess

But we'll win the war I guess.

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Then there's Operation Bright Blue Door

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LBJ holds up the blue folder

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We bring our boys safely ashore

We leave Vietnam forevermore

And I'm the first president to lose a war.

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I should be Landslide Lyndon,

But the Hindenburg is what I see.

'Cause now it seems I got my hands tied

And the landslide

Is gonna land on me.

Bird, I need your advice.

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LADY BIRD
Well, darling, if you pick the red folder,
Bobby Kennedy is gonna whip you like a red-headed stepchild.

If you go blue, Nixon will snatch you bald-headed.

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LBJ
Moyers, you taking notes?

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BILL MOYERS
Of course sir, but... what did she just...

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LBJ
She said I’m screwed either way. Don't you understand English?

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BILL MOYERS
Uh... yeah, of course. There are no flies on my Mama, sir.

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LBJ pauses and looks sideways at Moyers, raising one eyebrow for a
beat, half-impressed that he’s used a Southern expression, but
half-laughing at his inept choice.

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LBJ
Good, Moyers, very good. 

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LBJ pivots and looks out the window pensively

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LBJ

Those protesters want me to lose this fight

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ZEPHYR WRIGHT
(to LBJ and the audience)
Is it possible they’re right?

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LBJ pauses, confused by Zephyr’s question

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LBJ 
No, look -
Everything that I am
Anything worth a damn
That I’ve ever done
Came through in the end cause I wouldn’t bend
I do not turn tail and run
‘Cause when I was a child
The Hill Country wild
Was unforgiving ground
You fought for your supper
You scratched your way up or

they pulled you down.