LYRICS​

INT. PRIVATE RESIDENCE, WEST WING. JANUARY  1965. DAY

LBJ at a dressing table. A picture of JFK and RFK hangs on the wall. Two aides enter.

MALE AIDE 1

Alright, Mr. President. It's time to get you ready for the state banquet

​

LBJ

Thank you young man. Are you new?

MALE AIDE 1

No sir I used to help dress President Kennedy and his brother Robert.

LBJ

I see. They were both quite good looking fellas.

MALE AIDE 2

Oh! You wouldn't believe it

LBJ

Well you boys got your work cut out for you, making me look good.

MALE AIDE 2

Oh, sir, don't worry. We'll figure something out

LBJ

(miffed)

Figure something...

MALE AIDE 1

(looking Johnson over)

Maybe a male girdle

MALE AIDE 2

Oh yes!

LBJ

Male girdle! I don't suppose Jack and Bobby needed that

MALE AIDE 1

(dreamily)

Ah, Jack!

MALE AIDE 2

(even more dreamily)

And Bobby!

LBJ

(mockingly)

Jesus! I hope Lady Bird's faring better

Light up on another part of the stage where Bird is being dressed. A picture of Jackie Kennedy is on the wall. A

FEMALE AIDE holds makeup and a brush. She peers at Bird's face

FEMALE AIDE 1

OK, this is gonna take some work, but we got this, Mrs. President

LADY BIRD

Work?

FEMALE AIDE 2

I think if we put on two layers of base...

FEMALE AIDE 1

Great idea. Maybe we pluck the mustache

LADY BIRD

Mustache?

FEMALE AIDE 2

By the time we're done you'll look like Jackie Kennedy!

FEMALE AIDE 1 & FEMALE AIDE 2 (together)

Ah, Jackie!

​

Lights back up on LBJ and male aides.

MALE AIDE 1

Jack!

MALE AIDE 2

And Bobby

FEMALE AIDE 1 & FEMALE AIDE 2

Ah Jackie

LBJ

What is it with these Kennedys?

LADY BIRD

Well for one thing...

LADY BIRD

Their faces scream intelligence

LBJ

While mine just makes you scream

My ears are like an elephant's

LADY BIRD

Your nose, a bit extreme.

LBJ & LADY BIRD

They could both be stars in Hollywood

On the silver screen

LBJ

I could maybe be an extra

If you kept my face unseen

LADY BIRD

Well their father was well-regarded

LBJ

Mine had bills he paid too late

LADY BIRD

They both went to Harvard

LBJ

I went to Texas State

LBJ & LADY BIRD

They had yachts moored in the harbor

And a butler cleaned their plate

LBJ

I rode a mule to school like a fool

Where an outhouse was my fate

So I might as well face it

Their upper crust- I can still taste it

Gotta wash that Boston Sour down

With some Lone Star booze

LBJ & LADY BIRD

I need a remedy

For the Kennedy Brother Blues

LBJ

(spoken) These aides are fucking killing me

LADY BIRD

(spoken) Language dear

LBJ

Well I may say "shit" and "damn" a lot

It's true I don't mince words

And I can't compete with Camelot

And his merry band of turds.

Bird you could powder my nose

And iron my collar - it wouldn't help any.

His face is already on the half dollar

And mine wouldn't make the penny

So I might as well face it

I was just in the right place and

If I ran against them both today

I certainly would lose

I need a remedy

For the Kennedy Brother Blues

LADY BIRD

Well, now I grew up on grits

While they fed Jackie her foie gras

Spent my summers in the sticks

She'd be in the Hamptons at a spa

She can really put on the Ritz…

Lady Bird looks at a bra disgustingly and throws it on the floor

LADY BIRD

I can barely put on a bra

AIDES

(Looking up at the picture of Jackie longingly)

Speaking of which, her tits -

​

MALE AIDE 2

They were just perfect!

BIRD

(Looking in the mirror shaking her head)

Mine are blah...

So I might as well face it

All this makeup is just wasted

My feet are just too clumsy

To fit into her shoes

I need a remedy for the Jackie Kennedy

Blues

LBJ

Now wait a minute, Bird. Fuck Jackie Kennedy. You're the most beautiful First Lady in US history

​

LADY BIRD

Not really, sweetie

LADY BIRD

But maybe if I'm past beautification

I could beautify the nation

Take the billboards down

In every town

And replace them with carnations

LBJ

Your legacy will last for years to come.

LADY BIRD

They might forget my pale face

But they'll remember my green thumb!

LBJ

Bird, you are going to make our great society beautiful!

LBJ & LADY BIRD

So we might as well face it

Their mystique, we can't replace it

It took our brains and brawn to get here

And together we can't lose

LADY BIRD

Those ghosts are dead to me

Don't need no remedy

AIDES

For the Jackie Kennedy

LBJ & ALL

And the Kennedy brother blues…