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Johnson crony Bobby Baker

Investigated for kick backs!

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(Baker comes out with three ladies by his side; he’s throwing money at them;

“oh Bobby...” he’s saying things like “go buy yourself a ring baby.”)

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Reporter: (spoken) Mr. Baker- are these allegations true?

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Baker: What?  I don’t even know what the word “kick backs” means!

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Reporter: Well it’s like when you get money from a company illegally in exchange for giving them a government contact or what not.

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Baker:  Oh!  You mean was I “collecting envelopes”. (Uses air quotes and winks at the audience)

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Reporter: Yes! If that’s what you call it.

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Baker: (suddenly becomes serious) Absolutely not. Never heard of such a thing. 

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Reporter: Well can you tell the people your side of the story? Explain your innocence?

 

Baker: I thought you’d never ask.

 

(Turns to audience and sings)

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If you don’t already know who I am...

I’m Bobby Baker, but they call me 

“Lyndon’s man.”

And it looks like I have got myself into a jam

And pretty soon the shoe is gonna drop and... BAM!

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Apparently a vending machine company

Says they gave $5000 bills to me

And in exchange I was to get each factory

In the army to use them exclusively.

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But I didn’t do that

No I didn’t do that at all.

I mean I took the money 

But I never made a call

On behalf of those guys.

That wouldn’t be wise!

Such a quid pro quo

Would be like a bribe or something, I don’t know.

 

Because I only did things under my purview.

So I gave all the contracts to “Serve-U.”

(The greatest vending machine company ever!)

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(Representative with a “Serve-U Vending Machines” sign comes and gives him a huge envelope)

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Because I’m squeaky clean

So squeaky clean

They say that I’m dirty 

I don’t know what they mean

I’m just working for the red white and blue

(And some green)

But I’m still squeaky clean.

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Now they’re saying that Serv-U

Served me on the side.

They claim I was a stock holder

And that I’d

Made millions off their business 

About which I lied

While I was taking the US taxpayer for a ride.

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Reporter:

What’s your comment 

Mr. VP

How close are you with Baker?

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LBJ: 

Well I’ve heard of him

Everyone can see

that boy’s a real deal maker

He was in the senate before I was there 

I’ve met him I’m sure 

But I wasn’t aware 

Of any of his doings, 

right or wrong.

I haven’t talked to him for I don’t know how long.

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Reporter: Is that true Mr. Baker?

You and Vice President Johnson hardly know each other?

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Baker: Lyndon?

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Reporters: Yes

(Reporters leaning in closer)

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Baker: Lyndy? Uncle Lyndy?  

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(Further leaning in)

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Reporter: OK....

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Baker: Lyndypoo? 

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Reporter: If...that’s what you call him

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Baker: Hardly know him. 

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Reporters: What?!

(All retract again disappointed)

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Baker: (looking around)

We’d pass in the halls...

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Reporter: Well why are you being linked then?

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Baker:  Oh well I can explain that. You see...

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Baker:

They say I got a friend of mine from South Carolina

To get his life insurance company to sign a

Policy with Johnson despite his angina 

His health is perfect- that’s true! Well...kinda.

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But the point is...

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I didn’t do that

Nor could you say that I’m 

The one who made my friend 

Buy advertising time 

On KTBC, Johnson’s radio station, no!

Nor did I ask him to buy Lady Bird that stereo...

And if you’re wondering how I became a millionaire

Well, you  might wonder the same about Johnson,

But I don’t care 

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(Grabbing Johnson from a press conference who reluctantly joins him)

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Baker: Because we’re squeaky clean

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Both: (LBJ joins in harmony as they form a small kick line)

So squeaky clean 

They say that we’re dirty

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LBJ: I don’t know what they mean

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Both: We’re just working for the red white and blue (and some green)

Because we’re squeaky clean.